I’m taking a break from my series on pride (although is it really a series if I’ve been putting off writing about it for two months?) to share something God has been hitting me with lately, and finally clicked today. I’ve never thought of myself as a dreamer. I don’t have dreams, I have goals, to-do lists, and plans. Dreams seem very ambiguous to me. However… I have always had one dream: to be a wife and a mother. I’m hopelessly in love with the idea of love. And children are wonderful, crazily energetic, vibrant, and unique; children have a way of refocusing your perspective. There’s never been any doubt in my mind I would eventually fill these roles.
Since the news my syrinx has come back and multiplied, I’ve been doing more research. People who have one syrinx in their lifetime are not encouraged to have children, if the do, they are required to have a c-section as a natural birth could cause the syrinx to reform. But since I’ve now had multiple syrinx within the same year, it is strongly advised I avoid getting pregnant completely, as it would be life threatening.
Now, at this stage in my life–no potential relationship, still in college, living at home with my parents, abstinence, ect–this isn’t a problem. But what it does do, is conflict with the long-held dreams I now see (partially) crumbling before me. Because when I said I wanted to be a mother, I had always assumed I would have children biologically. It was part of the dream.
But what happens when your dream fragments into pieces?
My dad has always told me, “sometimes God gives you a dream, and then takes away the dream, to see which is more important, Him or the dream.” I had never seen the dream taken away on this magnitude, and so I’ve never actually sacrificed my dreams for God.
Again, until now.
I’ve been wrestling with this for days. How could God do this? I would make a fantastic mother! Would my future husband want to make that sacrifice? Could I even ask that of him? Will I even get married? I can’t live alone! I’m home alone right now and all of the lights are on and chairs are in front of the doors, and I’m twenty years old for goodness sake! I can’t imagine.
But then today, after a lot of prayer, God revealed the answer. But only because I was listening.
You see, I love driving; I love taking road trips by myself. There is just something so freeing in the knowledge that I can take any route I want, stop at as many ice cream parlors I see, and listen to whatever music hits me. It relaxes me, and I feel closest to God when all I have to focus on is Him and the road. So today, on my mini day trip to Atlanta, God revealed this to me:
God doesn’t convict us of something, and He doesn’t take away the dream, without giving us the strength to comply.
However, that’s just it, it’s His strength, not ours, and we have to ask Him for it. So as I sat there, driving along I85 North, hoping a Starbucks would come into view, I realized, it’s okay. It is okay if God doesn’t plan for me to have children. It’s okay if God’s plan for me doesn’t include marriage. You know why? Because there are so many children God has already given that I can love on. Because God has given me an entire Bible with the greatest love stories ever told. Because God is more important.
I’m not saying I’ll never get married, and I’m not saying I’ll never have kids; there are a multitude of ways to have kids that do not require getting pregnant. And who wouldn’t want to marry me?! (Well, besides like everyone.) What I’m saying, is that I am laying down my dreams at His feet, because God is more important.
So I ask you, what is more important: God or the dream?