So my body is trying to kill me again.
I really thought this was over, I thought my health issues were in the past, and I thought it was all about recovery from here on out. Unfortunately, that isn’t even close to being the case.
Last Monday, I was readmitted to the hospital after I lost the use of my right hand again. We thought it was a relapse of before, something I didn’t even know was a possibility until last week. In actuality, it has nothing to do with my brain surgery, and I am currently without a diagnosis after seeing five neuro specialists, having six different tests run, and having been told “I don’t know” seven different times last week. This morning I passed the ultrasound and do not have any blood clots or blockages, so now I am looking for a second opinion.
Throughout all of this, it’s easy to ask God “why?” It is incredibly easy to try and figure out why He is withholding healing from me. Because honestly, if He wanted to heal me right now, He could. Undoubtedly. No questions asked. But He isn’t. Today marks one week that I have had these symptoms again, and there does not seem to be a diagnosis anywhere on the horizon. Am I frustrated? Absolutely. Am I scared? Not remotely.
Six months ago the fact that God was withholding healing from me would have driven me to cry out to Him asking why He was doing this to me. And I did. I wondered why he wasn’t with me. Why was He forcing me through all of this? Why was He interrupting my carefully constructed life? Why wasn’t He there?
But this time it’s different. Romans 9:20 ESV says, “But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, ‘why have you made me like this?'” God made me with this condition that has existed since birth, and He made me with a defective what ever it is that is causing my health problems this time, and me asking Him why is pointless, because the answer is obvious.
Romans 9:23 ESV tells me why, stating God made me this way, “in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory.”
He is sovereign, He knew exactly when and why this would happen. And it’s for His glory. I have been changed by this experience. Through all of this, God has given me a character and wisdom that I would have never thought possible. I thank Him daily, not only for saving my life, but for changing it.
So what now?
Yes, I am still without a diagnosis, but I am constantly searching for one. Until then, instead of asking “why,” I will ask God “how?”
How can I use my situation for His glory? How can I grow closer to Him? How can I align my will with His will? How can I show His glory to others?
Psalm 86:12 exclaims, “I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever.” This is what I’m doing. I thank God daily, multiple times a day, wholeheartedly, and I will live a life that glorifies Him. Because without Him, I would not have life, physically or spiritually.
I challenge you to join me in this change of perspective. Earthly life is hard. Suffering isn’t easy and and it’s scary to surrender to God. But without Him, we do not have life. Moses told God in Exodus 33:15, “‘If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.” Moses acknowledged that being in the middle of the desert with God is better than being in the promised land without Him. That faith and viewpoint is hard. But how incredible would our lives be if we lived that way? It’s what I strive for, and I hope you do too.
We have faulty bodies. We live in a world of sin. Bad things happen to godly people. But that doesn’t mean we can’t use everything terrible that is thrown at us for His glory. I’m finished with asking “why,” and I will continue asking God “how.” I pray you will do the same.
So my body is trying to kill me again, but really, what else is new?